The Fred and George Variety Hour
by FuzzBucket
Summary: Join your favourite twins, Fred and George Weasley, on their new television program as they interview special guests. They ask hard hitting questions and have some fun in the process! Drabble! Fluff! R&R please!
1. Episode 1, Guest: Ickle Ronniekins

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter characters featured.**

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Fred: Welcome everyone, to The Fred and George Variety Hour! 

George: It's actually called The George and Fred Variety Hour.

Fred: We've already had this discussion, its definitely The Fred and George Variety Hour. Everybody knows you put the better looking person first.

George: No, it's definitely the smartest person that goes first.

Fred: What about Sonny and Cher? Siegfried and Roy, Josh and Drake?

Camera Man: Actually it's Drake and Josh.

Fred: No I'm definitely going first, plus it's alphabetically pleasing.

George: There's no such thing.

Fred: Doesn't matter, it's Fred and George.

George: George and Fred.

Fred: Gred and Forge.

George: Fred and George.

Fred: Hah! So as I was saying, welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: Well, not technically a full hour-

Fred: all those bloody commercials.

George: Too true, too true indeed.

Fred: Our guest today is-

George: our esteemed younger brother Ickle Ronniekins!

Audience:_Applause_

Ron: It's actually Ron.

Fred: Welcome Ickle Ronniekins! Please introduce yourself to our studio audience!

Ron: Well my name is Ron-

George: Give them a little something more than that-

Fred: Make it interesting!

George: For example, what are you famous for?

Ron: Defeating You-Know-Who?

Fred: Everybody knows that was Harry Potter.

George: Honestly Ickle – may I call you Ickle, Mr Ronniekins? – If you're going to lie at least make it believable.

Fred: You can't take credit for other peoples' work, its called plagiarism, hello!

George: Which reminds me, we still need to call up He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for-

Ron: He's dead you nincompoop!

George: There's no need for name calling.

Fred: Just because he's dead doesn't mean were going to let him get away with copyright infringement.

Ron: Copyright infringement? What the blather are you two on about?

George: You-Know-Who, U-No-Pooh? I know you don't think some dark lord wannabe came up with that. That is pure comic genius!

Fred: Why thank you George!

George: Anytime Fred!

Fred: So back to you Mr Ronniekins-

George: Ickle

Fred: Ickle, what are you here to chat about with us today?

Ron: I'm um-

George: Don't be shy.

Fred: The audience is your friend.

Ron: I'm here to talk to you about my-

Camera Man: It's time to break for commercial.

George: Join us after the break when we get up close and personal with Ron Weasley-

Fred: Better known as Harry Potter's freckled side kick!

Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Ollivanders, 'Makers of fine wands since 382 BC'.

Commercial One: Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour specializing in ice cream and various sundaes. Florean Fortescue is world renowned ice cream connoisseur. If you haven't been in to see Florean you don't know what you are missing.

Commercial Two: Need somewhere special to take that someone special? Try Madam Puddifoot's, a cozy teashop for you and your sweetie. Located in Hogsmeade, Madam Puddifoot's is perfect for anniversaries, birthdays and most of all Valentine's Day.

Fred: Ron have you ever been to Madam Puddifoot's?

Ron: Um…

Fred: Didn't you go there once with Lavender What's-her-name?

Ron: Um…

George: They have the most delightful little tarts, mm, what were those ones with the raisins?

Fred: Macaroons?

George: No, no, those are coconut; I mean the little tart like things with the raisins.

Ron: Um…butter tarts?

George: Yes, Madam Puddifoot's has the greatest little butter tarts, just melt in your mouth, they do.

Fred: Now you've made me hungry, we'll have to pick some up on the way home.

George: Oh yes, no doubt about it.

Ron:_clears throat_

Fred: Right, so why don't you tell the audience all about your new book?

Ron: Um well-

George: What's it called again?

Ron: It's called Keeping Ahead of the Game: The Ron Weasley Story.

Fred: No offence little brother, but why would anyone want to read a book about you?

George: Don't mind him, he's just a little jealous that you have tapped into the book writing resource while he's been too busy getting his face on TV.

Fred: Miraculously here we are!

Twins:_smile cheekily_

Audience:_Applauds_

Fred: And if everyone in the audience will look under their seat they will see an autographed copy of the book!

Audience:_Applauds_

George:_flipping through book_ did you actually write this Ron?

Ron: Um yeah, that's kind of the point of being an Author.

Fred: I think you've gone mad. Arthur is our father. Your name is Ronald Bilius!

Ron: I said Author!

George: Ronald Bilius! Ronald Bilius! Ronald Bilius!

Ron: Ugh! I have had enough of you two!

Fred: Oh come on Ron, it's all in good fun-

George: no such thing as bad fun!

Fred: Join us in a little game before you go!

George: Today's game is…Name That Word!

Audience:_Applause_

Fred: Why don't you explain the rules Fred?

George: You're Fred!

Fred: Of course! We are going to try and make you say the word on this card.

George: Understand?

Ron: Um…I guess.

Fred: No helping audience!

George: Let's show the audience the word!

Camera Man: _holds up sign to audience with the word MUGGLE on it_

Audience: Ooh! Ah!

Fred: Okay, let's have one minute on the clock!

George: One minute on the clock!

Fred: Ready Ron?

Ron: Yeah, I'm ready.

George: Start the clock!

Camera Man: _starts the clock_

Fred: London is a blank city.

Ron: What?

George: Fill in the blank!

Fred: London is a blank city.

Ron: Big? British? Loud?

George: Harry had to live with these people after his parents died.

Ron: The Dursleys?

George: But what was it about them…

Ron: They were a bunch of brutes?

George: No! Hermione is…

Ron: Smart? Female? Gorgeous?

Fred: We could play matchmaker here dear brother,

George: but that wouldn't help him figure this out. _looks at clock _Time is running out.

Ron: What are you two over there whispering about, honestly, you are worse than a bunch of suspicious muggles-

Audience:_cheers_

Camera Man: Wrap it up boys, your hour is almost up.

Ron: I got it? I got it!

Fred: Thank you for joining us on The Fred and George Variety Hour.

George: We hope you have had as much fun as we have.

Fred: Special thanks to our guest Ronald Weasley, his new book, Keeping Ahead of the Game, is in stores everywhere.

George: See you all next time, right here on the WC, Witching Channel!

Camera Man: _rolls credits_

Ron: How do you get the audience to cheer at all the right places?

Fred: They're smart?

George: We have signs that flash when they are supposed to clap.

Ron: So you have a script?

Fred: Well yes-

George: and no.

Fred:_ holds up script_ we have a script, but-

George: we prefer to go with the flow.

Fred: Live in the moment as it were.

George:_holds up Fred's script _These things make great origami.

Fred: Hey, that's a good idea for a show, we could have someone come on and make origami with us!

George: You know who I want to have on the show?

Ron: Who?

George: A muggle, any muggle.

Fred: How about a muggle that does origami?

George: Splendid idea!

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**Author's Note: Well, what did you think? I'm not sure if this is just going to be a one shot or not. If I get any inspiration I may write another episode, we shall see. **

**Review! As always. **


	2. Episode 2, Guest: Mum

**Back by popular demand (and my own crazy mind, hooray for inspiration!) I give you The Fred and George Variety Hour - Episode Numero Dos! (Spanish for 'Number two' [get your minds out of the gutter, or should I say toilet? Okay, forget it, I am horrible at washroom humour). Moving on to my favourite part: the disclaimer! (sarcasm, my dear reader, sarcasm) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter characters featured. I do, however, own Karen, Sam and Tim! And of course the glorious audience! But, I really shouldn't spoil it for you now should I?  
**

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Camera Man: In five, four, three, two, one, we're rolling.

Fred: Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

Audience:_ Applauds_

George: He's kidding; we're clearly a daytime talk show.

Fred: Welcome, and thank you for joining us on The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Audience:_ Applauds_

George: We have a very special episode for you today-

Fred: I think you'll agree, George, that all our episodes are very special.

George: Of course I do, Fred, all I'm saying is that this episode is extra special.

Fred: I wouldn't want our viewers to get the wrong idea and think that we aren't special.

George: We're special-

Fred: our Mommy tells us so!

George: And that is exactly why this episode is so very extra special, because of our special guest today!

Fred: It's our Mommy!

George: Please welcome Mrs Weasley!

Audience:_ Applauds_

Fred: Please sit down Molly, may I call you Molly?

Mrs Weasley: You may do no such thing; I am your mother, not some bimbo you meet on the street.

George: I don't know where you meet bimbos on the street but I would sure like some directions!

_Awkward silence_

Fred:_ Clears throat. _Mum it is then. We've got some audience questions for you today Mum.

George: Yes, let's start with Karen in 22B.

Fred: Karen?

Karen: Hi Fred, George!

Twins: Hi Karen!

George: Let's hear your question Karen!

Karen: Mrs Weasley, did you know right away that Fred and George were on the road to fame?

Mrs Weasley: Certainly not dear. I thought they were on the road to getting a swift kick in the but-

Fred: we're a family program, keep it clean!

Mrs Weasley: It's rude to interrupt George-

George: Hey! I'm George, he's Fred. _Points to Fred_

Mrs Weasley: Oh honestly, why can't you both be more like Harry?

Fred: Harry Potter isn't even here Mum.

George: Is it time for a commercial break yet Tim?

Camera Man: Nope. Not even close.

George: Okay next question comes from Sam in 5E.

Sam: Thanks, it's really great to be here!

Fred: It's really great to have you here!

George: Ask away Sam!

Sam: Mrs Weasley, what was it like raising seven children?

Mrs Weasley: Eight children.

Fred: What?!

George: Um, maybe you should count that out for us, I only get seven.

Mrs Weasley: Let's see, there's Bill and Charlie, Percy, the two of you, Ron, Ginny and of course Harry. That's eight!

Fred: How does she manage to bring Harry into everything?

George: Maybe if we had him on the show the world would get over their obvious obsession.

Fred: Good idea. I wonder if he would want to come with the muggle doing origami?

George: I'll ask him. _Pulls out cell phone_

Mrs Weasley: _Clears throat._ It's rude to ignore your guests, boys. Did I not teach you any manners?

Fred: Of course you did, we just thought of them more as guidelines.

George:_ Hangs up phone_

Fred: Well, what did he say?

George: Yah to the show, nah to the origami. Apparently he experienced some sort of traumatizing origami event. Never been the same around paper since.

Mrs Weasley: It must have been traumatizing to grow up with the Dursleys.

Fred: And you say we're ignoring you!

Camera Man: Boys, it's time for a commercial now.

George: Don't change that channel. When we return, Mrs Weasley is going to show us how to make something yummy!

Fred: Good gods, I'm starving.

Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, 'your stuff is safe with us'.

Commercial: Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, teach us something please! Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is the alma mater to such greats as Albus Dumbledore, You-Know-Who and Harry Potter. Enrol your child from birth and remember: never tickle a sleeping dragon.

Fred: Did you ever contact the lawyer about the whole You-Know-Who, U-No-Pooh thing?

George: No, but let me call him right now. _Pulls out cell phone_

Fred: Welcome back from the break, in case you live under a rock-

Mrs Weasley: Fred!

Fred: Sorry Mum. In case you're just joining us we have a very special guest on our program today, my dear, old-

Mrs Weasley: _Clears throat_

Fred: My dear and loving mother, Mrs Weasley!

Audience:_ Applauds_

Fred: She is going to be showing us how to make a delicious pot roast.

George: We don't have a case.

Fred: Pardon?

George: The lawyer, he says we don't have a case unless we can prove that Mr Dark Lord knowingly created that nickname.

Fred: Well maybe we'll just have to interview him ourselves!

Mrs Weasley: He's dead.

George: So they keep telling us.

Fred: Thanks for the support Mum.

George: Anyways, on with the pot roast!

Fred: As you can see our coffee table has been replaced with a fully-equipped, working kitchen!

Audience:_ Applauds_

George: Let's get to work!

All three:_ Put on aprons_

Mrs Weasley: First thing is we take this piece of meat and put it in the pan-

Fred: What kind of meat are we using here?

Mrs Weasley: A nice shoulder cut of Hippogriff, but whatever looks good in the butcher shop that day will work equally as nice.

George: And for our vegetarian audience, could they substitute something in place of the Hippogriff?

Mrs Weasley: Well it's not really the same without the meat, but I suppose a few large, wild mushrooms might do the trick.

Fred: Folks, try to avoid the poisonous kind, they can leave you feeling nauseas-

George: or worse, dead!

Mrs Weasley: Here we have some peeled potatoes and carrots. Just run a knife through them and roughly chop into big pieces. Then throw those into the pot.

Fred: Careful with the knife, you wouldn't want to loose a digit!

George: Safety first here in the Weasley kitchen! What are you adding now?

Fred: Looks a little suspicious, are you sure this isn't, you know, "fun" pot roast?

Mrs Weasley: These are called herbs-

George: doesn't matter what you call 'em, Mum, they still shouldn't be going in the pot roast.

Mrs Weasley: It's just a bay leaf and a little thyme.

Fred: There you have it folks! This woman is amazing; she has managed to capture time!

George:_Pokes Fred in the stomach_

Mrs Weasley: _Ignoring twins; _you simply pop this in the oven for two hours, cook it nice and slow.

Fred: And with the magic of television-

George: or just magic in general-

Fred: here is the final product, voila!

Mrs Weasley: _Holds up pot roast for a close up shot_

George: Mmm, Buckbeak!

Camera Man: Guys…_Points to watch_

Fred: We have to take one last commercial break, but don't go anywhere-

George: We've got a surprise for a member of our studio audience!

Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, 'your stuff is safe with us'.

Commercial: Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, just a short walk down High Street in Hogsmeade, is your one stop shop for anything and everything quill! When you think 'write', think Scrivenshaft's.

Fred: That's certainly a mouthful.

George: No kidding, try saying that seven times fast.

Fred: Scrivenshafts, scrivyshafts, scurvyshafts, scurvyshofts, scurvyshots, shurvyshot, shurshot-

George: aaaand we're back! Welcome! This is The Fred and George Variety Hour, with yours truly and his truly too! _Points to Fred_

Fred: Definitely needs to go into our Tongue Twist Toffees.

George: We have one last thing we have to do before we leave you!

Audience:_ Groans_

Fred: No, don't worry; we're not actually leaving you, just figuratively speaking.

George: As I was saying, we still have to give something away!

Audience:_ Cheers_

Fred: But what have we got that can be given away?

Twins:_ Look around._

George: How about this? _Holds up Keeping Ahead of the Game: The Ron Weasley Story_

Fred: Nah, we tried that yesterday, can't re-gift.

George: Ah hah! I have it!

Fred: What?

George: I said "Ah hah! I have it!"

Fred: No, I know what you said; I meant what do you have?

George: I said I have an idea.

Fred: I know that but what is the idea?

George: Um, I forgot it?

Mrs Weasley: Ahem

Fred: I know! We can give away her culinary skills; _Points to Mrs Weasley_

George: You heard him folks, one lucky member of our audience will walk away with a dinner prepared by our mother!

Fred: Mum, pick a number between 1 and 250.

Mrs Weasley: Um…147?

George: Tim, who is seated in seat number 147? That would be in the H section.

Camera Man: Luna Lovegood!

Fred: Well that's all folks! Join us next time for another riveting episode of-

George: The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Camera Man: _Rolls credits_

Fred: Luna Lovegood, please come and claim your prize! Thank you Mrs Weasley for being on our show. _Shakes Mrs Weasley's hand_

George: Luna Lovegood?

Luna:_ Walks on stage_

George: You know, Luna, I would love to have you on the show sometime, to talk about those Crumpled Horned Snack Foods you're always going on about.

Luna: Yes the Crumpled Horned Snorkack is a fascinating creature whose existence is actually quite captivating-

Screen: _Goes blank._

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**Author's Note: What did you think? Let me know. **

**Review! Thanks to everyone who offered encouragement for me to continue, it was greatly appreciated! (And it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside)  
**

**I have a few more ideas for episodes kicking around, although I'm not sure if they will turn out well or not. I will try very hard for you guys!**

**Merci beaucoup! (French for 'thank you so much') **


	3. Episode 3, Guest: Voldie

**Disclaimer: Sadly I still don't own any of the Harry Potter characters featured.**

**I do own Tim and the audience though. _Laughs maniacally._ **

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Camera Man: We're on. 

Fred: Hello out there! We're on the air! It's hockey night tonight!

George: We're actually a daytime talk show. What's hockey?

Fred: No idea. Tim?

Camera Man: Muggle sport.

Fred: Ah muggles, they do come up with the darnedest things!

George: Indeed they do. Muggles are great; some of my best friends were muggles.

Fred: This, by the way, is an excellent lead in to our guest for today…

George: Give your warmest welcome to-

Fred: Tom Marvolo Riddle!

Audience:_ Awkward silence_

George: For those of you who are not familiar with his real name we are talking about You-Know-Who!

Audience: Boo!

Fred: Not to worry audience, he is completely harmless!

George: This is simply a spiritual representation of one of his souls.

Fred: And if he tries anything we have Harry Potter in the back!

Audience:_ Cheers_

George: Not really, but don't fret, we have a pail of water on hand. He'll melt like a snowball in hell.

Fred: Some people say hell is actually really cold, based on the fact that love is warm-

George: Don't get all religious on me, we are non-denominational here.

Fred: Don't forget, we need to ask him about his U-No-Pooh name violation.

George: Why do you think we have him on the show in the first place?

Fred: Welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: Oh dear, we forgot to introduce the show!

Fred: What do you think I just did?

George: No I know, but I mean we're supposed to introduce the show at the very beginning; instead you were blathering on about hockey.

Fred: Well you were blathering on about muggles.

You-Know-Who: I hate muggles.

George: Who cares what you think? Besides you can't hate muggles, you're half-muggle for bleeding Merlin's sake!

Fred: Obviously you care what he thinks, otherwise he wouldn't be here.

You-Know-Who: I can hate whoever I want to hate.

George:_ Glares_

Fred:_ Clears throat. _So You-Know-Who-

George: You-Know-Who is an interesting name, how did you come up with it?

You-Know-Who: I would prefer you to call me Lord Voldemort.

Fred: Sorry, no can do You-Know-Who! The best I can do is Voldie.

Voldie: I would really prefer Lord Voldemort.

George: This is our show, we call you what we want. Now back to the name You-Know-Who…

Voldie: I actually didn't come up with that.

George: For some reason I don't believe a word you have to say.

Fred: Now, now George, play nice. Please continue Voldie.

Voldie: Thank you-

George: who knew, he has manners, ladies and gentleman!

Audience:_ Applauds_

Voldie:_ Glares_

George: Sorry-

Camera Man: George, we're at a commercial.

George: We're going to take a quick break, stay with us. Our guest today is You-Know-Who and before he leaves today we have a lot to cover!

Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Madam Malkin's, 'Robes for all occasions,'

Commercial One: Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? He's dead! You should be worrying about U-No-Pooh, the constipation sensation that's gripping the nation. Exclusively at Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 97 Diagon Alley.

Commercial Two: Need an inn? Want to drink at a pub where everybody knows your name? Try the Leaky Caldron, offering food, drinks and rooms for rent. Stop in at our location at Charing Cross Road in London, the gateway to Diagon Alley, and say hello to our innkeeper/barman Tom.

Fred: Reminds me a bit of a toothless walnut, he does.

George: I most certainly agree. But you have to admit he does make a pretty mean 'Screaming Orgasm'.

Fred: Too much information. Too much information!

George: It's a drink and you know it.

Fred: I just love playing with you.

George: Ew!

Fred: Shut it.

George: Welcome back to The Gred and Forge Variety-

Fred: The Fred and George Variety Hour and our special guest, Lord Voldemort!

Audience:_Applauds_

George: Before the break we were getting to the bottom of the various names of Lord Voldemort.

Fred: No matter what you call him, you can't deny he is one bad ass-

George: family program, Fred.

Fred: he's the devil incarnate.

George: Or worse.

Fred: If that's even possible.

George: You were about to tell us about the nickname you have acquired over the years.

Voldie: Yes, some people insist on calling me You-Know-Who, which is actually a good thing and a bad thing at the same time-

Fred: Could you elaborate for us?

George: Start with the good.

Voldie: Well it's good because it implies that everyone knows who I am.

Fred: And what is more important than being a famous face?

Twins:_ Smile cheekily_

George: Speaking of faces, let's talk about yours.

Fred: Have you seen anybody?

George: Plastic surgeon-wise.

Voldie: Um…no.

Fred: How did you get so menacing looking?

George: The eyes, the nostrils, the pasty complexion, tell us-

Fred: what are your beauty secrets?

Voldie: Well I stay indoors, if I do go out I wear SPF 350, and I only eat raw meat.

Fred: So you're a carnivore?

George: Very simple tricks folks and you too can look like this!

Fred: Your skin is flawless.

Voldie: Why thank you.

George: Of course, now tell us about your childhood.

Voldie: I really rather not talk about it.

Fred: Oh come on, lots of people have an unfavourable childhood, look at Harry Potter-

Voldie:_Hands around Fred's neck_

George: Whoa! Whoa there big guy. Relax. Sit back down.

Voldie:_ Sits back down_

Fred:_ Takes his chair and moves it far from Voldie's_

George: Obviously a touchy spot, how about we move on to something a little less-

Fred: murderous.

George: When did you first decide that you wanted to be the dark lord?

Voldie: I was really young. I was put in Slytherin so I was basically condemned from the start.

Fred: You felt like you had to stand out?

Voldie: Sort of, I originally wanted to be a famous movie star. I went to auditions but I just wasn't what the casting people were looking for, so I killed them.

George: _Laughs nervously. _Voldie, this is a family program.

Voldie: So talking about killing is bad?

Fred: Very bad.

Voldie: Sorry.

George: It's okay, you didn't know.

Camera Man: Time for the performance.

George: Thanks Tim! Are you ready Voldie?

Voldie:_ Stands up and heads to makeshift stage._

Fred: What have you got for us Voldie?

Voldie: I'm going to do a cover of Pink's Just Like a Pill.

George: Go for it!

Voldie:_ Caressing microphone,_

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me, I think I took too much  
I'm crying here, what have you done? I thought it would be fun

_Back-up singers appear singing harmony,_

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch,  
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cause it's making me itch,  
I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little b----,  
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

_Takes mic out of stand and beings to move out in front of the audience,_

Run, just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere  
To the middle of my frustrated fears  
And I swear you're just like a pill  
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill  
You keep makin' me ill

George: Thank you for joining us here at The Fred and George Variety Hour! Tune in next time for a new in depth, hard hitting interview with another influential member of the wizarding community.

Camera Man: _Rolls credits_

Voldie:_ Continues singing_

Fred: I thought you said you wanted a muggle on the show?

George: Yes, an origami-doing muggle, what does that have to do with anything?

Fred: Well you said an 'influential member of the wizarding community' and an origami-doing muggle doesn't really fit that description.

George: Of course, but I…fine, you can do it next time.

Fred: I think that really went well, I think we showed another side of Voldie and I think the audience really enjoyed-

George: The audience!

Fred: Yes, we have an audience, that's not something new-

George: I am aware of that dear brother. What I am saying is that we forgot to give them their gift.

Fred: Right, do you want to do the honours or should I?

George: Go for it, nothing I do is ever good enough.

Fred: Oh shut it. Folks! Don't think we forgot about you! Each of you is receiving an autographed copy of Voldie's new CD, _The Dark Lord Does the Basics._

Audience:_Applauds_

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**Keep reviewing and I will keep trying to write more episodes!**

** Ps. I also don't own the lyrics to Just Like a Pill  
**


	4. Episode 4, Guest: Dudley Dursley

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters featured. I do own the plot, and the script, and Tim, and the Harry-Potter-loving Audience, but thats about it.

Anyone watch Saturday Night Live? I know I referenced it before ("live from New York, it's Saturday night"). There are some references to an SNL sketch[Celebrity Jeopardy, the one with Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds (aka Turd Ferguson) and French Stewart but only for like two or three lines. I don't own SNL. And if you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about then just ignore these past two sentences.

I just thought of something else I own! The Brain Strain Math Game! Ha ha! Of course you think I am crazy right now, but you will understand soon enough.

On with the show!

* * *

Fred: You are my sunshine! 

George: My darling Clementine!

Fred: I don't think that's how the song goes.

George: The one I was singing definitely goes like that. You are the one who got the lyrics wrong.

Fred: But I started, which means that you have to follow me.

George: What say Tim?

Tim: You're both crazy and we've been rolling this whole time.

Fred: _Puts a hand over his heart; _how could you Tim? I feel betrayed-

George: stabbed in the back-

Fred: let down-

George: grassed on-

Fred: George!

George: What?

Fred: This is a family show!

George: Right. Dear viewers and audience, please accept my profound apologies for mistakenly making an obscure reference to an illegal substance. Sincerely, George Weasley.

Fred: I forgive you.

Tim: Get a move on boys!

George: How come he doesn't have to apologize?

Fred: No idea.

George: Thinks he's above the law does he?

Fred: Below the law maybe.

Tim: BOYS!

Fred:_Scowls; _Fine. _Smiles to audience;_ Welcome one and welcome all to The Fred and George Variety Hour.

George: Often imitated, never duplicated!

Twins:_Smile cheekily;_

Fred: On with the show!

George: Out with our guest!

Fred: Many of you may not know him-

George: Probably none of you actually-

Fred: Our guest today is Dudley Dursley!

George: Give him a round of applause folks!

Audience:_Applauds_

Fred: Ahem, Dudley Dursley!

George: Dudley Dursley?

Fred: Dudley Dursley, where are you?

George: Dudley Dursley, come on out!

Fred: Don't be shy Dudley Dursley

George: _To Fred;_ if you say Dudley Dursley one more time I'm going to hex you!

Fred: Dudley Dursley!

George: ARGH-

Dudley Dursley: _Finally appears onstage_

Fred: Here he is everyone, Dudley Dursley!

Audience:_Applauds_

Fred: Please, tell everyone who you are.

Dudley Dursley: I'm Dudley Dursley.

George: Yes, I think they got that already.

Fred: Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the cousin of our dearly beloved Harry Potter!

Audience:_Cheers_

Fred: Now, tell us about the last time you saw Harry.

Audience:_Cheers_

Dudley Dursley: Well a bunch of authors showed up-

George: I think you mean Aurors.

Dudley Dursley: and they told us we had to leave.

Fred: Now when you say 'us' and 'we' you are referring to who?

George: Whom.

Fred: Whom? I've never heard of this whom person. Have you Dudley Dursley?

Dudley Dursley: Um…no?

George: Genius, it's _(makes air quotes)_ "When you say 'us and 'we' you are referring to WHOM?" _(Makes air quotes)_

Dudley Dursley: _Counting on fingers;_ me and my mom and my dad, that makes….3!

Fred: Of course it does.

George: And did your parents want to go?

Dudley: My dad kept changing his mind. Packing and unpacking-

George: Bit of an idiot, isn't he?

Fred: That's right folks, if an Auror tells you to do something you hop right to it!

George: Safety first, here on The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Fred: Dudley, was that when you had your tearful goodbye with Harry?

George: What were your last words to him?

Dudley: 'I don't think you're wasted mace.'

Audience:_Silent, except for a cricket chirping;_

Fred: That can't be right.

George:_Fingers through cue cards;_ found it! _Hands card to Fred;_

Fred: I think the line was, "I don't think you're a waste of space".

Audience: Awe.

Fred: I think, _sob_, that's beautiful.

George: I think we're going to take a commercial break to compose ourselves, don't touch that remote!

Announcer: You are watching 'The Fred and George Variety Hour' on the WC. 'The Fred and George Variety Hour' is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by, The Weird Sisters' new album 'Blast End Screwt It All'.

Commercial One: Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour specializing in ice cream and various sundaes. Florean Fortescue is a world renowned ice cream connoisseur. If you haven't been in to see Florean you don't know what you are missing. Harry Potter buys his ice cream here!

Fred: How do they always manage to involve Harry Potter?

Audience:_Cheers;_

George: Stupid blatant marketing ploys…

Tim: Ahem!

George: Right, thanks for sticking with us, I'm Fred and he's George-

Fred: Reverse that-

George: And this is The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Fred: And it's game time!

Audience:_Applauds_

George: What game are we playing today?

Fred: It's the 'Brain Strain Math Game!'

Audience:_Applauds_

George: Here's how it works, Fred goes into a soundproof booth.

Fred: I'm claustrophobic, maybe you should go in the soundproof booth.

George: No, I'm the host.

Fred: It's cause you suck at math right? You don't want to be shown up by Dudley Dursley?

Dudley Dursley: Hey! I'm right here!

George: _To Dudley; _that's nice. Get in the booth, FRED.

Fred: Finish explaining the game, GEORGE.

George: Fine.

Fred: Fine. _Goes into soundproof booth,_

George: As I was saying, Fred goes in the soundproof booth-

Fred:_waves merrily;_

George: _To Fred;_ I thought you couldn't hear anything! _To Tim;_ I thought he couldn't hear anything!

Tim: _To Fred;_ put the headphones on!

George: Yeah Fred; _sticks out tongue;_ put on the headphones.

Tim: _To George;_ there, now he can't.

Fred:_Sticks out tongue at George;_

George: Now Dudley, I'm going to ask you a series of math related questions and you give me the answer. Fred can't hear you, so when you're done we're going to see how many of the same questions Fred can get right. Got all that?

Dudley Dursley: Um…yes?

George: I (points to himself) ask you (points to Dudley) a question. You (points to Dudley) answer. Ready?

Dudley Dursley: Um, sure.

George: Okay, question one, no help audience!

Audience:_Collective sigh;_

George: Your street address plus the number of siblings you have.

Dudley Dursley: Um…I don't know?

George: Wow, um, okay, where do you live?

Dudley Dursley: Little Whinging.

George: And your street address is…?

Dudley Dursley: 4 Privet Drive.

George: Okay, so 4, good. Now how many brothers and sisters do you have.

Dudley Dursley: One.

George: Is that your final answer?

Dudley Dursley: …

George: I'm pretty sure you are an only child.

Dudley Dursley: What about Harry?

Audience:_Cheers;_

George: Audience, what did I say?! Dudley, he's your cousin! So that makes 0. So what is 0 plus 4?

Dudley: Um…5?

Fred: Are you people done yet?

George: NO! PUT YOUR HEAD PHONES BACK ON!!

Fred: Gees, sorry.

George: Dudley, 4 plus 0 equals 4, not 5.

Dudley Dursley: Oops.

George: That's okay, you're probably just nervous. Next question, how old was Harry when he got his magic letter?

Audience:_Cheers;_

Dudley Dursley: Harry has a magic letter? Is it 'H' or 'P'?

George:_Glares at the audience; _Audience, this is your last warning! Dudley, not a letter from the alphabet, a letter from the mail, how old was Harry when he got his letter for school? I'll give you a hint; you are the same age as him.

Dudley Dursley: Well I was…11, so he must have been 13?

George: Wrong! You were 11 and he was 11. Next question. Actually no, let's not, it's too complicated. Give me a number, any number, any number at all.

Dudley Dursley: Um…V?

George: V? Okay. Um not what I was looking for, but I will have to accept that as a correct answer. V is actually a Roman numeral that represents 5, so despite your best efforts you got it right!

_Silence_

George: I said he got it right, audience, you can cheer!

Audience:_Applauds;_

George: Honestly Tim, where did you get these burnouts?

Tim: George, it's a family-

George: I know, I know, we're a family program, I'm sorry.

Tim: We should bring out Fred…

George: Fine. Bring out Fred!

Fred: It's about time. What were you doing, inventing television? Oh wait, that's already been-

George: Question one Fred, Harry's early address plus the number of siblings Dudley has.

Fred: 3.

George: No. Where did you get 3?

Fred: Harry lived at 2 Privet Drive. And Dudley has one sibling; Harry.

George:_Looks warningly at audience;_ Harry lived at 4 Privet Drive, and for the last time Dudley and Harry are COUSINS! Which makes you WRONG!

Fred: Wow, someone needs to take a chill pill.

George: GRRR. How old are children when they receive their Hogwarts letters?

Fred: Technically it's a Hogwarts letter singular, you only get one.

George:_Fuming;_ just answer the question!

Fred: Fine, I was 10 and a half.

George: Fine, I will accept that as an answer. Next question-

Fred: Bring it on!

George: I was trying to before you rudely interrupted me.

Fred: Sorry.

George: Of course you are. All I need you to do for the second question is to give me a number, any number, any number at all. One, two, three, any number!

Fred: Threeve.

George: Threeve? That's not a number.

Fred: Yes it is. It's halfway between three and five.

George: That's four!

Fred: Threeve.

Twins:_Continue bickering;_

_Camera pans to Tim;_

Tim: That's all the time we have today, thank you for joining us on this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour. I'm Tim and on behalf of Fred and George I would like to thank our guest Dudley Dursley. If you would like to be a part of our studio audience then send an owl to The Fred and George Variety Hour care of the Witching Channel. Thank you and good afternoon!

* * *

Review! 

Just to be clear, Dudley and Fred tie, they each got one right. And I realize that the audience didn't get a gift, but they were irritating George so I decided not to give them anything this time. Too bad for them.


	5. Episode 5, Guest: Loony Lovegood

See how quickly I update when I get a lot of reviews? (hint hint) Reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy. And they help me with ideas too! If you have someone you would like to see on the show let me know in a review, and you might just see them!

It's my favourite time, it's disclaimer time! (Just kidding, disclaimers are not my favourite part, but I must soldier on)

Disclaimer: I don't own much. I don't own any Harry Potter characters, places, creatures, newspapers, magazines, or other Harry Potter things. I also do not own Switzerland or Sweden. There's probably a lot more that I am just forgetting to mention so just to cover my bases, the only things I own are Tim and the audience. That's it. Such a sad and unfulfilled life I lead.

There was something else I wanted to say but I can't remember, when I do I will be sure to add it.

Onward I say!

* * *

Fred: Good morning! Good morning! 

George: He's kidding, we're clearly an afternoon program.

Fred: Why must you always rain on my parade?

George: A parade! Where?

Fred: _Points off to side;_ over there!

George: _Looks to where Fred has pointed;_ where?

Fred: Made you look!

George: _Notices camera for the first time;_ oh, hello there faithful viewer! How are you this fine afternoon? I'm great, thanks for asking! I just wanted to welcome you to The Fred and George Variety Hour! I hope you enjoy our episode today, we-

Fred: who are you talking to?

George: Tim.

Fred: Oh! Hey Tim! How are you?

Tim: I'm fine.

Fred: Just fine?

Tim: I would be better if you lot would get a move on.

George: Touché.

Fred: Since Tim is such a hard ass-

George: -ociate. Since Tim is such a hard associate to please, we are going to get a move on.

Fred: Thanks George.

George: Don't mention it Fred.

Fred: I nearly forgot that we are in fact a family program.

George: I said don't mention it.

Fred: And I said I'm sorry.

George: No, you didn't.

Tim: And I said get a move on.

George: Yes, you did say that.

Fred: Tim sure loves to put a cramp in our witty repertoire style.

George: That he does. Let's humour him for a bit though.

Fred: Bring on the fire breathing lion!

Audience: _ Applauds_

George: He's kidding, no such thing as a fire breathing lion. A dragon maybe-

Fred: Draco Malfoy! Where?

George: Backstage.

Fred: You're lying.

George: How did you know?

Fred: I can read your mind!

Audience: Ohhh!

George: Not really. It's a twin thing.

Twins:_smile cheekily_

George: Anyways, enough lolly-gagging.

Fred: Lolly-gagging – to choke on a sucker.

George: Gag on a lolly, ha! You are hilarious!

Fred: I would agree; I am indeed the funny twin.

George: Which makes me: the good looking twin! The good looking twin would like to welcome our guest for today-

Fred: but the funny twin is going to beat you to it.

George: Come on down Luna Lovegood!

Fred: You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!

Audience:_Applauds_

Luna:_Gazing up at ceiling;_ what lovely Ella-muff-a-lumps you have!

George:_Confused;_ why thank you Luna.

Fred: More like Loony.

George: Be nice, Fred.

Luna: You know who was one of the first people to be nice to me?

Fred: Let me guess…Trelawney?

Luna: No silly, Harry Potter!

Audience: _Cheers_

George: There's something I would like to get off of my chest.

Fred: Go for it George, let it all out.

George: I HATE HARRY POTTER!

Audience: _Collective gasp._

Luna: _ Clasps a hand over her mouth._

Fred: _Looks shocked, like he's about to have a heart attack._

Tim: _ Looses control of camera – screen shows lovely shot of the floor in front of Tim's feet._

_In a cemetery somewhere Voldemort rolls over in his grave._

Fred: _ Recovers first; _He was kidding folks, he was clearly kidding, just a little joke between us. No need to fret, it was a joke. He was kidding. _To George;_ you were kidding right?

Luna: Perhaps he has seen a Wrackspurt recently.

Fred: Maybe we should go to commercial. Tim?

Tim: You got it.

Fred: Join us after the break where we will roast my brother alive, and talk some more to Luna Lovegood!

Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Gladrags Wizardwear in Hogsmeade, 'Specializing in strange socks since sometime in September, visit our other locations in London and Paris'.

Commercial One: Want to have your own personal mail delivery system? You need an owl! Need supplies for the owl you already have? You need Eeylops! Eeylops Owl Emporium in Diagon Alley needs you! Eeylops has everything you and your owl need to have a long delivery partnership. We specialize in breeds of owls. From Brown to Tawny, Snowy to Screech, we have what you need! What you need is Eeylops!

Commercial Two: Read the Daily Prophet. We are no longer run by Voldemort worshipping criminals! We believe in Harry Potter! Go team Phoenix! Read the Daily Prophet!

George: Everything is all Harry-Potter-this and Harry-Potter-that. Why don't we change our name to The Harry Potter Referencing Hour?

Fred: Because, we are The Fred and George Variety Hour! And you are starting to scare me! I think perhaps you need to be shipped off to St. Mungo's for a year or ten. Anyways, back to our guest, Luna Lovegood. During the commercial break there was an ad for The Daily Prophet. Your father, Xenophilius Lovegood, runs a rival paper, The Quibbler. What can you tell us about that?

Luna: It's actually a magazine. My father publishes facts about the Ministry-

George: I think I read the one about how Fudge had Goblins baked into pie.

Fred: Welcome back to normalcy George and yes I do believe I read that also.

Luna: He also does features on various creatures that are found across Europe.

Fred: Fudge does?

George: Xeno of The Quibbler.

Fred: Oh, right. Tell us about some of these creatures Luna.

Luna: My personal favourite would have to be the Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

George: The Crumple-Horned Snack Food? Sounds delicious!

Luna: Snorkack. And its existence is really quite fascinating-

Fred: What's so fascinating about snack foods? I mean sure their delicious and –

Luna: Snorkack. It's an animal that is native to Sweden.

Fred: Ah, good old neutral Sweden!

George: That's Switzerland.

Tim: Actually they're both considered neutral.

Fred: There you have it folks! You actually learn things here on-

George: The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Twins: _Smile cheekily_

Luna: They can't fly.

Fred: Who, the Swiss?

George: No, the Swedes!

Luna: I was referring to the Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

George: Of course you were!

Fred: Tell us about those fashion forward earrings you are wearing!

George: What are they? Where did you get them? How did you match them to your outfit?

Luna: Oh, thank you for the compliment! I quite like my radish earrings! I made them myself. I wear them with everything. They're very versatile. Do you like my necklace also?

Fred: Very stylish indeed. Are those…?

Luna: Butterbeer corks!

George: Lovely.

Fred: Luna, have you ever considered going into fashion?

George: Starting your own line of jewelery?

Luna: Oh, you are really kind, just like Harry Potter!

Audience: _Cheers_

George: _Glares_

Fred: Easy there George. Please, go on, Luna.

Luna: Well what I really want to do is go on an expedition to see a Crumple-Horned Snorkack with my very own eyes.

Fred: Sounds marvelous.

George: Certainly a good time will be had by all.

Fred: Most definitely.

Luna: Let me ask you then, what are your plans for the future?

George: We want to be the most famous twins in the history of the world!

Fred: Ha ha! He sounds crazy when he says it, but it's true.

George: We're trying to break into the acting world. I don't know if you caught our episode with Voldie, but he had some problems trying to become an actor.

Fred: There's a lot of criticism in show business.

George: Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin. It's hard.

Luna: I'm sure you'll be great no matter what you do!

Fred: Thanks!

George: There you have it folks! The true Luna Lovegood! Pretty, smart, ambitious and most importantly: polite!

Audience: _Applauds_

George: May I say, Luna, that you have the most beautiful eyes? They're so silvery and protuberant, like a foghorn in the mist!

Luna: _Blushes wildly;_ why thank you George. Your hair is so fiery and crimson, like a fire truck at a fire!

George: _Blushes wildly_

Fred: Would you two get a room? We're a family program!

George & Luna: _ Gazing deep into each others' eyes; _sorry Fred.

Fred: Honestly. There could be little children watching.

_George & Luna disappear off-stage._

Fred: Well at least they did what I said. Tim, have we got much time left?

Tim: About a minute or so.

Fred: Great. I think the audience has been wonderful today!

Audience:_Applauds_

Fred: You are all receiving a year's subscription to The Quibbler!

Audience:_Applauds_

Fred: Join us next time for another insightful, hard hitting and most importantly, fun interview with a special guest!

* * *

Hum. So I still don't remember what it was I was going to say. 

Review! Say hi! Talk about the weather! Give me feedback: tell me what you like, tell me what you don't like.

I'll even write back to you! Writing a fic? Drop me a line (aka a review) and I will check it out. I'm always looking for fics to read. Especially Dramione, but I will read other ships too!

Suddenly I do remember, it was something along the lines of I don't own obscure references to songs from musicals, etc. Thanks and good day!

**_RIP Heath Ledger, such a tragedy for such a young and talented actor. You will be missed._**


	6. Episode 6, Guest: Neville Shortderriere

I'm supposed to be studying, but I was in the mood to write, so here goes!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter-related, the song Happy Birthday, Fear Factor, M&Ms, or any person, TV show or movie that may be mentioned in the author's note.

* * *

Fred: Happy Birthday to you!

George: Happy Birthday to you!

Fred: Happy Birthday dear-

George: Psst! Who are we singing Happy Birthday too?

Fred: TIM!

George: Happy Birthday Tim!

Audience: _Applauds_

Tim: Guys, it's actually not my birthday.

George: How dare you use us like that!

Fred: We sing for you and it's not even your birthday?!

George: What a waste of our beautiful voices.

Fred: Well my voice is certainly beautiful, can't say the same about yours.

Tim: I'm sorry that you were misinformed, today is not my birthday.

Fred: George, tell Tim that we are not speaking to him any longer.

George: Tim, we are not-Hey! You just made me talk to him in telling him that we aren't speaking to him.

Fred: Fine, will someone please tell Tim that we aren't talking to him?

Tim: Come on guys, let's just forget it and get on with the show.

Fred: We are going to continue on with this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour, but not because it's what HE wants us to do.

George: We're simply doing it for our guest today.

Fred: _Instantly brightening;_ We love him so!

George: Please welcome-

Fred: Gryffindor extraordinaire, Neville Short-derrière.

George: Who's Neville Short-derrière? I know a Neville Longbottom but…ohhhh!

Fred: Got it, did you?

George: Yeah, Short-derrière, Long-bottom, how clever.

Fred: I certainly thought so.

George: Welcome Neville Longbottom!

Audience: _Applauds_

Neville: Thanks! It's so nice to see you two again!

George: Of course, it's glorious to see you as well!

Fred: Wonderful!

George: Fant-abulous-eriffic!

Fred: That's not a word.

Neville: Actually, it's a combination of fantastic, fabulous and terrific.

George: Right you are Neville! Kind of like your 'threeve', Fred.

Fred: _ Blushes; _so Neville, tell us about your life after Hogwarts.

George: Got a little lady? Got a job?

Neville: I teach at Hogwarts.

Fred: Really?

George: What subject? Hopefully not Defence Against Dark Arts, otherwise you'll be dead-

Fred: or worse-

George: within a year.

Neville: Herbology.

George: Herbology?

Fred: At least it's not Defence Against Dark Arts.

Neville: What's wrong with Herbology?

Fred: Suppose he's right, it's definitely not as bad as Divination.

Neville: Hey!

George: So Neville, have you settled down yet?

Neville: Actually I-

Fred: Who is she? I bet it's Luna!

George: Ahem!

Fred: Right, sorry, if not Luna then who?

Neville: Maybe you've heard of her, Hannah Abbott?

George: No, I don't believe we have.

Neville: She was in Hufflepuff, blonde hair, really pretty.

Fred: Why Neville, you little devil!

Neville: I don't know what you are insinuating but-

Tim: _Clears throat_

George: I hate to cut off that thought Neville, but we've to head to commercials. Join us after the break where we spend more time with our favourite Gryffindor, Neville Longbottom!

Fred: Don't touch that remote!

Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by The Shrieking Shack, 'The most haunted building in Great Britain'.

Commercial: Violated the law recently? You may find yourself in a sticky situation; more specifically – Azkaban prison. No longer run by Dementors, Azkaban is a safe and carefree environment. Located in the North Sea – where no one can find you and help you escape, á la Sirius Black and countless other Death Eaters – you will be hidden from immediate danger; and of course the death sentence in light of your evil acts. Azkaban: only your best interests in mind (if those best interests mean keeping you from living freely).

Silence

George: Ahem. Well that was certainly an informative commercial break.

Fred: Indeed, I thought that Sirius Black had been cleared?

George: As did I, perhaps we should put forth a public service announcement regarding his status.

Fred: Right away. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen-

George: boys and girls-

Fred: wizards and muggles-

George: actually just wizards.

Fred: Sirius Black, the late god-father of Harry Potter-

Audience: _Cheers_

George:_Glares;_ the late god-father was not, I repeat not-

Fred: Not!

George: _Glares_

Fred: Sorry, but you said-

George: He was not a Death Eater, nor was he responsible for the deaths of one wizard and twelve muggles.

Fred: Speaking of The Godfather, have you seen that movie Neville?

Neville: Um, no I haven't. Must be muggle?

Fred: Indeed it is, starring the late-

George: the great-

Fred: Marlon Brando!

Audience: Applauds

George: Oh, I thought we were going for Al Pacino.

Fred: Both, I suppose.

George: So Neville, tell us about this…thing…you have brought to show our audience!

Fred: Yes indeed. What is…it?

Neville: It's my pet plant.

Fred: Wasn't aware that vegetation counted as a pet.

George: Me either. What's its name?

Neville: Mimbulus mimbletonia.

George: Quite a long name for something so disgusting looking.

Fred: How about we call it M&M?

George: In case you are seated near the back and can't see it's a plant resembling a grey cactus covered in boils.

Fred: Where'd you get M&M?

Neville: It was a gift from my Uncle Algie.

Fred: I'm sure that's a fascinating story Neville but right now its-

George: game time!

Fred: Get your game face on! It's time to separate the boys from the men.

George: The salt from the sea.

Fred: The pupil from my eye.

George: Ew Fred, that's just gross!

Fred: That one took it a little too far, didn't it?

George: I'll say.

Fred: Right, sorry then.

George: What's our game for today, Fred?

Fred: It's Fear Factor Friday!

George: He's kidding, today is clearly Monday.

Fred: Indeed it is a Monday. But don't you agree that Mondays are generally humdrum and blah?

George: I agree. Although I think you'd agree that I disagree that humdrum and blah are not adjectives.

Fred: Au contraire, mon frère. Humdrum and blah are both adjectives meaning dull and unexciting.

George: Free English lessons!

Fred: Only on The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Audience: _Applauds_

George: On with the game!

Neville: What's Fear Factor Friday?

Fred: We're glad you asked Neville! Fear Factor is a muggle television program in which contestants perform stunts and the winner receives a cash prize.

George: Unfortunately the only thing you are doing this for is ratings; you understand how it is in show biz.

Neville: Uh, what sort of stunts?

Fred: Scary things!

George: Creepy things!

Fred: Frightening things!

Neville: Yes, I picked up on that. But what is my 'stunt'?

Fred: Glad you asked.

George: Have you eaten yet Neville?

Neville: I had breakfast, but that was a while ago. I could use something to eat. Somehow I get the feeling that I'm going to regret that answer.

George: Why would you get that feeling?

Neville: No idea.

Fred: Anyways, we have prepared a meal for you!

Neville: You have? Oh, that was nice of you. Wait a minute, Fear Factor, which means it must be something gross.

Fred: Quite perceptive you are!

George: We have macaroni and maggots for you!

Audience: EW!

Neville: Suddenly I'm not very hungry. Thanks anyways!

George: Not so fast Neville.

Fred: How did you get into Gryffindor anyways? We Gryffindor's pride ourselves on our brave and courageous nature.

Neville: Alright, you eat it then!

Fred: EW!

George: No way!

Neville: _Grins in satisfaction_

George: I suppose I see your point.

Fred: Yes, the fog has cleared.

George: What fog?

Fred: Never mind, it's all in your head.

George: How can it be in my head? You're the one who saw the fog!

Fred: Forget it.

George: Fine.

Tim: Moving on.

Fred: Neville, will you tell HIM that we are still not talking to HIM.

Neville: Sure, but who is HIM?

George: Tim.

Neville: Right. Tim, the twins have told me to inform you that they are still not talking to you.

Tim: Yes thanks, I got that already.

Neville: No need to shoot the messenger.

Fred: For being such a great sport Neville, we are going to take you to The Burrow for dinner!

Neville: No maggots?

George: No maggots, just Mrs Weasley's delicious home cooking.

Neville: Thanks guys!

Fred: Anytime.

Neville: Will Harry be there?

George: ARG!

Neville: Is that a yes?

George: _Glares_

Fred: No.

Neville: _Looks crestfallen; _oh. Well I think I'll take a rain check. Thanks anyways guys.

George: Sure.

Tim: Neville, will you tell THEM that its time to wrap it up.

Neville: Sure, but who is TH-

Tim: The twins!

Neville: Right, um, Fred, George? Tim asked me to tell you that-

Fred: We heard.

George: Thanks for joining us for this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour where we promote Harry Potter shamelessly.

Audience: _Cheers_

Fred: I'd be nice if I were you, audience, George might decide to not give you a gift today.

George: Thanks to Neville Longbottom for joining us today! Every member of the audience will leave with a doggy bag of macaroni and maggots to take home for dinner!

Fred: I hate to say I told you so.

Review! It only takes a second, but it means the world to me.

* * *

_derrière - _behind (as in bum)

_Au contraire, mon frère._ Literally this means 'on the contrary, my brother' but is really meant as 'on the contrary, my friend'.

I hope you have enjoyed this little French lesson!

I was thinking about Tim (the camera man, duh!) and who would play him if this was a real show (because obviously the twins would be played by the twins). I have it narrowed down to two possibilities.

First, I think if you put Jon Favreau in a head set and a ball cap and behind a large camera like they use for TV and movies, I think he would look really authentic, or at least that's how I picture him in my mind. (In case you have no idea who I am talking about Jon Favreau is the guy who was on Friends as that really rich guy Monica dated for a few episodes, he was also in the movie The Replacements [football movie with Keanu Reeves and played the SWAT/crazy guy Danny Bateman. And if you still have no idea, then look him up on Google because I know you all know who he is.)

My other potential Tim would have to be Wayne Knight (He played the cop [Sally's boyfriend on 3rd Rock From the Sun, he was in Jurassic Park and he won the season finale of Thank God You're Here. Look him up because I know you all know who he is too). The only way Wayne Knight would work though is if Tim had a larger role, just because Wayne Knight is such an amazing comedic actor, the current role of Tim would stifle his creative and comedic potential (if there is such a thing).

Anyways, that's just who I envisioned in the role of Tim. Let me know who you picture when you read the part of Tim.


	7. Episode 7, Guest: OrigamiDoingMuggle

Disclaimer: I do not own anything HP. I only own Tim, the audience (including the unfavourable audience member) and Yoshi! (Who is actually named after one of my TA's from last term [real last name not used in chapter) I also own the script, wahoo!

* * *

Fred: Good morning Baltimore!

George: Every day's like an open door!

Fred: Every night is a fantasy!

George: Every song's like a symphony!

Tim: Boys…

Fred: Sometimes a girl just needs one.

George: Boys…to love her and to hold.

Tim: I'm serious. We do not need a repeat of last episode.

George: Yes, we all know how that turned out.

Fred: Unforgettable…

George: That's what you are!

_Screen shows clip from previous episode of audience receiving macaroni and maggots._

Audience: Ew! Ick!

George: Quite disgusting.

Fred: Most unpleasant.

George: Very repulsive.

Tim: _Clears throat._

Fred: Good morning Tim!

George: Good morning Audience!

Fred: Ever feel like you've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it?

Tim: I'm warning you!

George: Don't say that-

Fred: later will be better!

Tim: _Glares_

George: Clearly Tim is not in good spirits this morning folks.

Fred: How about we sing him a song?

Tim: No!

George: Hum him a tune?

Tim: No!

Fred: George, you couldn't carry a tune if it was in a bucket, let alone hum one.

George: _Ignoring Fred;_ Chant him a hymn?

Tim: No!

Fred: You're just jealous because I'm better looking than you!

George: Yes, that's exactly it. You hit the nail on the head with that one.

Tim: If you two don't get on with the show I'll…I'll…

Fred: You'll…you'll…you'll what?

George: Be nice Fred, I like Tim. He's the coolest Camera Man ever!

Audience: _Applauds_

Tim: Flattery will get you nowhere.

George: We'll put you on our show.

Tim: There won't be a show if you don't get moving.

Fred: We're moving, we're moving, gees.

George: Good morning Baltimore-

Fred: and welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: While we may not be located in Baltimore we do have an exciting episode planned for today, don't we Fred?

Fred: We certainly do George.

George: We've been talking about this guest since episode one!

Audience: _Cheers, some people begin chanting:_ HAR-RY POT-TER! HAR-RY POT-TER!

Fred: NO! No, settle down!

George: Good gracious goodness people.

Fred: They have an addiction.

George: Do they ever! They need rehab or something.

Fred: Definitely.

George: We were actually referring to the origami-doing-muggle!

Fred: Please welcome-

George: An origami-doing-muggle!

Audience: _Applauds_

Origami-Doing-Muggle: Thanks! Thank you so much! You are too kind!

Fred: Welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: Please, introduce yourself!

Origami-Doing-Muggle: My name is Yoshi Smith and I am an origami expert!

Fred: Is it all right if we continue to call you Origami-Doing-Muggle?

Yoshi Smith: Um…okay?

George: Pleasure to meet you Mr Origami-Doing-Muggle!

Mr Origami-Doing-Muggle: Thanks, its great to meet you both.

Fred: Tell us about origami, Mr Origami-Doing-Muggle. Actually that's a bit of a mouthful, I may actually call you Yoshi, if that's all right with you.

Yoshi: Of course!

George: That's his name Fred, why would he mind you calling him by his name?

Fred: I don't know, he might prefer to be called 'sir', or maybe he has a nickname or something.

George: Like what? O.D.M?

Fred: O.D.M?

George: Origami-Doing-Muggle!

Fred: _Rolls his eyes;_ of course, how very clever of you.

Yoshi: _Clears throat._

Fred: Right, so Yoshi, you were about to tell us all about origami?

George: What is it? Who can do it? What materials do you need in order to origami? Where can you origami? How much does origami-ing cost?

Yoshi: So many questions!

Fred: _Points to George;_ Don't mind him, he's kind of crazy.

Yoshi: Right, well let's start at the beginning then. Origami is an ancient art form, originating in Japan-

Fred: That's an island right?

Yoshi: Yes, located off of Asia. Anyways, origami is the art of folding paper-

George: Does it have to be special paper?

Yoshi: Not at all, you can use anything you have on hand-

Fred: Construction paper?

Yoshi: Yes.

George: Sticky notes?

Yoshi: Why not?

Fred: Napkins?

Yoshi: Actually you might run into some issues with napkins, they tend to fall out of their folds almost immediately.

George: So that's a 'no' to the napkins?

Yoshi: Yes, that's a 'no'. Back to answering your questions, you can do origami anywhere and the only cost would be that of the paper-

Fred: Pay attention folks, we have lots of free fun for you here on The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: Maybe if you stopped interrupting…

Fred: Me? You're the one who asked 5 million questions in a row before giving the guy a chance to answer.

George: It was only 4, drama queen.

Fred: It was 5 and you did not just call me a drama queen.

George: Oh I did. What are you going to do about it?

Tim: I'm going to do something, I'm cutting to commercial.

Yoshi: And after the break I will show you how to do your own origami right at home!

Audience: _Applauds_

Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Yoshi Smith's New York Times bestseller 'The Art of Paper Folding'.

Commercial: St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries is not your average hospital. Our Healers and Mediwizards wear striking lime-green robes, never has a place of healing been so fashion forward! So the next time you are in a life or death situation choose St. Mungo's, where Harry Potter is often spotted visiting patients!

George: I wonder if Harry gets royalties every time someone uses his name or likeness in their ads.

Fred: He would make millions of galleons during our time slot alone.

George: Speaking of our time slot, welcome back!

Fred: And thank you for joining us.

George: We are Fred and George, your faithful hosts and this is Yoshi, our spectacular desk.

Fred: I think he means guest.

Yoshi: Thanks for having me!

Fred: You were going to show us some origami before we were rudely interrupted by our sponsors?

Yoshi: Of course. Everyone at home, grab a piece of paper and follow along!

George: If everyone in the audience would check under their seats they will find a piece of paper so they too can join in on the fun!

Fred: Don't screw up, you only get one sheet!

George: Guard it with your life!

Yoshi: So first we are going to fold the paper in half lengthwise. Then fold it back to make a crease.

George: What are we making Buck-o?

Fred: Maybe you need to go to St. Mungo's, George, his name is Yoshi!

Yoshi: Completely slipped my mind! We're making a paper airplane!

Fred: Sweet deal!

Yoshi: So the next step is to fold down the corners. Then fold on the crease we made earlier.

George: What's it supposed to look like so far?

Yoshi: Like a house. Square on the bottom with a triangle on top!

Fred: Clearly he's never been to our house before.

Audience: _Laughs._

Yoshi: Now we're going to fold down the wings. And voila an airplane! _Holds up a complicated version of a paper airplane with origami landing gear, etc. _Let's see how you two have done!

Fred: _Holds up a standard issue paper airplane;_ I think I got the hang of it!

Yoshi: Good job Fred! How about you George?

George: _Blushes and holds up a crumpled ball of paper; _I think it,_ahem_, needs a little work.

Yoshi: With a little practice you will catch on in no time.

Some member of the audience: I BET HARRY POTTER COULD DO BETTER!

Yoshi: That wasn't very nice, he tried and that is what's important!

Fred: Bad idea Mr Audience Member.

George:_Bewitches a large army of paper airplanes that happened to be backstage to fly at the unsuspecting evil audience member._

Mr Audience Member: ARGH! _Runs out of studio as army of paper airplanes tries to attack him;_

Yoshi: What was that?!?

Fred: What was what?

Yoshi: Those airplanes!

George: We have assistants backstage, they threw them.

Yoshi: Oh.

Tim: Time to wrap it up boys!

Fred: Yoshi, why don't you do the honours!

Yoshi: Sure, thanks George!

George: _Still red in the face;_ I'm George!

Yoshi: Sorry George, thanks Fred.

George: No harm done.

Yoshi: You have been watching The Fred and George Variety Hour on The WC. I'm Yoshi Smith, they're Fred and George, and thanks for tuning in!

George: Great job Yoshi!

Fred: You know, for a muggle you're actually pretty cool!

Yoshi: For a what?

George: _To Yoshi;_ Nothing! _To Fred;_ great, now we have to Obliviate him!

Fred: How is that my fault?

George: You just called him a muggle!

Fred: Me? I wasn't the one who sent an army of paper airplanes to attack an unfavourable audience member!

George: Fine!

Fred: Fine!

George: We still have to Obliviate him!

Fred: _Pulls wand out of pocket and points it at Yoshi;_

Yoshi:_Notices wand being pointed at him;_ Hey! What are you doing?

George: Removing your memory of this.

Yoshi: Why?

Fred: You're a muggle. You can't know we exist!

Yoshi: I'm not a muggle!

George: You're not?

Yoshi: I'm a wizard!

Fred: Well that explains how you're so good at origami.

Yoshi: No, that's simply talent. I can't believe you guys thought I was a muggle.

George: I can hardly believe it myself. Audience, not only do you get to keep the airplanes you made but you are also all receiving a copy of Yoshi's book, The Art of Paper Folding.

Audience: _Applauds _

* * *

Review! I get a lot of hits on this fic and only a very small fraction of reviews. I would love to hear from each and every one of you!_  
_

P.s. I also do not own the lyrics to Good Morning Baltimore from the musical Hairspray, Stuck in a Moment by U2, Boys by Britney Spears or Unforgettable by Nat King Cole. I also don't own the New York Times, not even a single copy.


	8. Episode 8, Guest: HarryPottersBiggestFan

Thanks to all the wonderful reviewers who keep me motivated. Thank you for all your kind words! My apologies for the delay and I am making no promises for the next episode either, school is getting uber-stressful (example, it is currently 4:25 am and I have yet to go to bed because I am currently studying calculus) so please bear with me! Here's a joke to entertain you: There are two muffins in an oven. The first muffin says, 'Man, it's hot in here!' and then the second muffin says, 'Look! A talking muffin!'

Disclaimer: Other than the script and a few random characters, I own nothing.

* * *

Fred: Out here in the fields! 

George: I fight for my meals!

Fred: I get my back into my living!

George: Yeah, yeah!

Fred: Ai, ai!

George: I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train!

Tim: That's for sure.

George: Welcome to the amazing, the magnificent, the spectacular, the fantastic-

Fred: Fred and George Variety Hour!

Audience: _Applauds_

George: We all know how much you guys love Harry Potter-

Audience: _Cheers_

George: _Glares;_ so we wanted to show you his true colours.

Fred: Take him down a peg or two, if you will.

George: We have, quite possibly his biggest fan here for the show today and we asked Harry to come and greet his fan.

Fred: And guess what his response was?

George: And I quote…actually I can't quote it directly because this is, after all, a family program and he used a few choice words.

Fred: Paraphrase it.

George: I need a word I can use in place of bad words, audience?

Random Audience Member: Kidney bean!

Audience: _Applauds_

George: Okay thank you. I will use the word kidney bean. Harry said, _George makes air quotes;_ "I hate that kidney beanin' kidney bean because he's such a little kidney bean." _George makes air quotes;_

Fred: Foul mouth, that one has.

George: So you see folks, Harry Potter-

Audience: _Cheers_

George: _Glares_; he isn't really the saint everyone paints him out to be.

Fred: I don't think they see.

George: Regrettably I have to agree that they disagree with what they should see. But, as they say in showbiz-

Fred: Hollywood or bust!

George: I was thinking more along the lines of 'the show must go on', but your's works equally as well.

Fred: Let's bring out our special guest then.

George: Special indeed, audience, I'm sure you will connect very beautifully with him-

Fred: Is it 'him' or 'it'?

George: I think it's 'him'.

Fred: Okay, 'him' then.

George: As I was saying I'm sure you will connect with our guest today as you already have something in common with him.

Fred: Our special guest is-

George: as previously mentioned-

Fred: Harry Potter's biggest fan!

Audience: _Applauds_

Fred: Please welcome-

George: Dobby the house-elf!

Fred: Welcome Dobby!

Dobby: Dobby wishes to thank Misters Wheezy for inviting him to the show. Dobby hasn't been invited anywhere since Mister Dumbledore, may he rest in peace…sob…invited Dobby to live at Hogwarts.

George: Yes, it's really no trouble at all Dobby.

Fred: We're happy to have you!

George: Please, tell us more about your time at Hogwarts.

Fred: How did you get there? What did you do? Did you have many friends?

George: Hey, that's my job! I clearly ask all the irritating questions fired off one right after another!

Fred: _Pulls out contract; _Chapter 73, section 5, sub-section R, paragraph ii, line 29, it clearly states, and I quote "When Mr G Weasley is the last to speak and an opportunity arises in which many enquiries can be posed in quick succession, the responsibility falls to Mr F Weasley who was not previously speaking." _Looks up at scowling George; _See, not only am I allowed to, I am contractually obligated to do so, by this contract, which we both signed.

George: Well excuuuse me for not reading the fine print.

Random Person in a Suit: _Wanders on stage; _did you know that you can be held liable for things you weren't aware when you didn't read the fine print? Always read the fine print!

Fred: Who is this?

George: I don't know, I thought you invited him.

Fred: Definitely not.

Twins: Security!

Dobby: _Cutting in to finally answer George's question;_ Hogwarts is where Dobby had many adventures with Master Harry Potter-

Audience:_Cheers_

George: Okay, this has gone on long enough. I've been stretched to my limit.

Fred: Push it to the limit! I'm pushin' it, push! I'm pushin' it, push!

Dobby: Master Harry Potter pushed the evil dark lord to the limit!

Audience: _Cheers_

George: I'm so sick and tired of the cheering and the references and anything and everything and everybody who has ever, is or is about to refer to, cheer about, talk about, or anything at all having to do with Harry Potter.

Audience: Gasp!

George: Boy-who-lived, ha, more like boy-who-wouldn't-die!

Fred: Worse than one of those nuclear holocaust surviving cockroaches.

Dobby: _Dobby starts banging his head on the floor_; Dobby has heard bad things, bad, bad things about Master Harry. Dobby must be punished. Dobby should never have heard of those blasphemous things. Dobby is going to find an oven to shut his ears in. Yes, yes, Dobby has been a bad house-elf-

George: So, uh, we're going to go take a break while we get Dobby all calmed down.

Fred: Don't touch that remote folks!

Announcer: This episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Harry Potter, 'Defeating the Dark Lord since birth'.

Commercial: Lights. Camera. Action. The Quiberon Quafflepunchers want you! Can you handle the excitement? Do you want to see a world famous Quidditch team? The Quiberon Quafflepunchers are a lean, mean, ferocious, Quidditch playing, opponent destroying team. Located in France, we really give new meaning to the phrase 'Pardon my French.' The Quiberon Quafflepunchers, because if you're not for us, you're against us and that means that we need to annihilate you!

George: Ahem, well that was certainly…violent.

Fred: I was actually going to say graphic, but yeah, violent works.

George: Someone should remind the producers that we are in fact a family program.

Fred: Oy there! Producers! This is a family program! We don't need to subject any younglings to that type of violent behaviour.

Random Producer Person: It's just Quidditch!

George: Hey, Random Producer Person, would you like your children subject to such violent commercials?

Random Producer Person: I don't have kids.

George: Exactly!

Fred: Anyways…

George: Welcome back to this episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour and our special guest today, Dobby the house-elf!

Audience: _Applauds_

Fred: If you're just tuning in then you missed George exploding and Dobby pledging allegiance to the flag of Potter-

George: figuratively speaking anyways.

Fred: It's like you read my mind!

George: That would be because I can.

Fred: It's a twin thing!

Twins: _Smile cheekily;_

George: I'm actually quite intrigued Dobby-

Fred: Why do you insist on wearing crazy coloured socks?

Dobby: Dobby likes socks, he has a collection! Dobby's favourite pair of socks was the one he knitted for Master Harry Potter.

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: Great, but what I wanted to ask was-

Fred: What is your favourite colour?

Dobby: Dobby's favourite colour is the colour of Master Harry Potter's eyes.

_Audience: Cheers;_

George: Yes, but, what is with your-

Fred: Where do you currently live?

Dobby: Dobby lives at Hogwarts, but Dobby is sad that Master Harry Potter is not there anymore.

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: Why do-

Fred: When did-

George: STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

Fred: Whoa, calm down there little buddy!

George: DON'T CALL ME LITTLE BUDDY!

Dobby: Dobby thinks Mister Wheezy needs to not shout at Dobby.

Fred: I agree. It's not Dobby's fault you have a short temper.

George: Fine, just let me ask my question!

Fred: Go ahead, no one's stopping you.

George: Great, Dobby, why are you so obsessed with Harry?

Audience: _Cheers;_

Dobby: Dobby is not obsessed. Dobby is in love with Master Harry Potter!

George: You love him?

Dobby: That's what Dobby said.

Fred: Love, love?

Dobby: That's what Dobby meant.

George: Like you're in love with him?

Dobby: Did Dobby stutter?

Fred: How is that relevant?

George: Never mind that, the real question is-

Tim: _Clears throat and points to his watch;_

Fred: It's that time again!

Dobby: Dobby doesn't know what time it is sirs, Dobby does not wear a watch.

Fred: It's game time!

George: What kind of variety special have we got today Fred?

Fred: Audience choice, George.

George: I don't like the audience; they're all Harry-Potter-loving miscreants.

Audience: _Cheers_

Fred: Then what do you propose we do?

Random Audience Member: Ask Tim!

George: I take that back, I only hate most of the audience. That guy, _points to Random Audience Member;_ I like.

Fred: Right-o then, what do you say Tim?

Tim: You two seem to like singing so much, I say let's do a sing-a-long.

George: Sing-a-long it is! Sound good to you Dobby?

Dobby: Dobby thinks it is a wonderful idea, a Harry Potter worthy idea!

Audience: _Cheers_

George: Ahem.

Fred: It's time for The Fred and George Sing-A-Long Song!

George: Ready Dobby?

Dobby: Dobby is ready Master Weasley.

Fred: Hit it Tim!

George: Jenny I've got your number! I need to make you mine!

Fred: What would Luna think?

George: Jenny don't change your number! Show 'em what you've got Dobby!

Dobby: 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, Fred!

Fred: 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, Tim!

Tim: 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, Audience!

Everyone (Tim, Fred, George, Dobby, Audience): 8-6-7-5-3-0-9

George: Jenny, Jenny!

Fred: _Over George, Dobby and Tim who continue singing; _that's all folks! Thanks to our special guest Dobby the House Elf! We'll see you next time on The Fred and George Variety Hour! And Jenny, if you're out there, don't change your number!

* * *

This episode is dedicated to my loyal reviewer **hpdrfan1** for the idea of Dobby as a guest, merci beaucoup! (Thank you!)

I have a challenge for you, when you review (because you will) tell me a joke, and I will pass them along to everyone else here (and you will get credit!).

Teenage Wasteland – The Who

Crazy Train – Ozzy Osbourne

Push It to the Limit – Rick Ross

867 5309 (Jenny) – Tommy Tutone


	9. Episode 9, Guest: Myrtle the Turtle

What cheese is not yours? Not cho cheese!

Thanks cameron62!

Sorry for the delay. I actually wrote a bunch of half episodes, but they all turned out pretty lame so I garbage bowl-ed them (30 Minute Meals?). Anywho, I get the feeling that this is going to become the norm, more delays and irregularity in updating. Please don't hate me! I will update whenever I get inspired, so don't think this has been discontinued or anything. To make up for your disappointment check out my profile for links to fabulous banners created by Abby at Dobby's Siggies over on the WB HP boards.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything remotely interesting, unless you consider Tim interesting.

George: Do you know what time it is?

Fred: It's tool time!

George: You're a tool!

Fred: And we're a family program, so you had better wash your mouth out with soap!

George: Sorry, I'm Fred!

Fred: I'm Fred!

Tim: And we all know that I'm Fred, so maybe you could get a move on? Capiche?

George: Yes sir!

Fred: Right away sir! Like I was saying, I'm Fred, he's annoying and I'm gorgeous.

George: I don't see what that has to do with this being The Fred and George Variety Hour?

Fred: Welcome! Take a load off! 

George: And don't even think about touching that remote!

Fred: Or else!

George: Or else what?

Fred: Or else…I don't know I've never been good at threats.

George: There, there poor baby.

Fred: Who are you calling baby, baby?

George: You're the baby.

Fred: _Sticks out tongue;_

George: See, you even act like one!

Fred: And you look like one too!

George: That wasn't very nice.

Fred: And you know who else isn't very nice?

George: Harry Potter.

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: Stupid people! I hate you all!

Fred: Bro, I hate to say it, but you bring it on yourself.

George: Who are you calling bro, dude?

Fred: Dude, you are my bro, homie!

George: Homie, dude, bro, what are you talking about? Where did you pick up this horrendous vocabulary?

Fred: In da club.

George: Hey shorty, it's your birthday!

Fred: No it isn't.

George: Have a sense of humour.

Fred: Already got one, thank yaw very mucho gracias.

George: I see you've moved onto another language you can butcher.

Fred: I am totally against cruelty to animals.

George: Tell that to the ham sandwich you ate for lunch.

Fred: Why would I talk to a sandwich, who do you take me for? Crazy McLooneybins?

George: I'm not sure I know this McLooneybins character; I do know a McLovin though.

Fred: McDreamy?

George: McSteamy?

Fred: McSundae!

Tim: I'm not sure where all this is headed but could you get to the point, and oh yeah, the guest?

Fred: Sure thing grumpy old fart!

George: Can't argue with that logic.

Tim: And oh what heights we'll hit, on with the show this is it!

Fred: Look, George, Tim's singing.

George: I know; it almost brings a tear to my eye…sniff.

Fred: Speaking of tears, let's welcome our guest.

George: She's no stranger to crying, sobbing or weeping, it's

Fred: Moaning Myrtle!

Audience: _Applauds;_

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, no one has ever invited me anywhere.

George: Sure, why don't you tell everyone where you normally reside?

Fred: Second floor girl's washroom!

Moaning Myrtle: I know you! You were in the bathroom with that snooty Ravenclaw prefect. Wasn't he your brothers' girlfriend?

George: Fred! You and Penelope Clearwater? What will Percy say?

Fred: She and I are soul mates. And who cares what that nincompoop for a Weasley has to say. We should have disowned him long ago.

George: He may be a prat, but he's still family.

Moaning Myrtle: You just said a bad word, _giggle._

Fred: Yes, I'm terribly amusing. I find you funny too, Myrtle. Funny looking!

Myrtle: You're horrible-sob-you're just like everyone else-sob-you brought me-sob-here to-sob-make-sob-fun-sob-of me. Sob-you're just like-sob-Harry Potter-sob.

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: Now look what you've done, Fred! Don't listen to him Myrtle, he's just a big meanie. Oy Tim, can we cut to commercial?

Tim: Right away.

Announcer: Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by the makers of the 'Chocolate Frog collector's cards'.

Commercial: Are you a Death Eater? Are you evading capture by the Ministry? Do you feel like you don't belong in Azkaban? Are you reformed? If you answered yes to these questions then you may want to ask yourself another question: is Death Eaters Anonymous for you? Ask your doctor if DEA is right for you. DEA may cause short term symptoms such as a decreased appetite for killing, smiling and in some rare cases dizziness.

Fred: Well that was awkward.

George: Especially the part with the Death Eater leaping in slow-mo through the field of daisies and fluffy bunnies.

Fred: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Myrtle: Gross.

Fred: Who are you calling gross? You live in a bathroom for crying out loud! How hygienic do you think that is?

George: And we're back with Moaning Myrtle of Hogwarts, who we just managed to calm down after my idiot brother insulted her-

Fred: Girl, I'm gunna get'cha.

George: You know I need ya in my world.

Fred: I'm begging you to be my girl.

George: Even though you might be scared,

Fred: I promise I'll be there!

George: Dun duh dun dun.

Fred: I'm sorry Myrtle.

Myrtle: I don't believe you.

George: Moving on!

Fred: Myrtle, you realize your name sounds like turtle?

Myrtle: People use that one-

George: Mmm, I love turtles!

Fred: They're delish. Little Muggle versions of cockroach clusters.

George: Yes, all that chocolate, caramel and pecans.

Fred: PEE-cans are for truckers, pe-CAHNS are in turtles.

George: Thank you Emeril Lagasse.

Fred: BAM!

Myrtle: Let's kick it up a notch!

Fred: Good one Myrtle, I didn't realize you were a Food Network connoisseur.

Myrtle: There's a lot you don't know about me.

George: Tell us, do you get many visitors?

Myrtle: There was this one boy. Pale thing, really annoying.

Fred: Annoying? How so?

George: Fred!

Fred: Sorry, go ahead.

George: Thank you. How was he annoying? Did he visit you often? Who was he? Was he nice to you?

Myrtle: He was always muttering to himself. And crying.

Fred: Why do you find crying so annoying? You're not exactly Miss Sunshine yourself.

George: Fred!

Fred: Won't you say you love me?

George: I'll make you so proud of me! Please, continue Myrtle.

Myrtle: I don't know his name, he never paid any attention to me.

George: And how did that make you feel?

Fred: Going into psychiatry are we?

George: Most definitely. But only if this whole showbiz thing doesn't work out.

Fred: It will work out. We're celebrities.

Twins: _Smile cheekily;_

Fred: I can't believe what you tell me, your lies have come undone.

George: Now I'm living on the run, looking out for number one.

Fred: Are you going to keep doing that.

Myrtle: You started it.

George: Thank you Myrtle. Now tell me, is there a special someone in your life?

Myrtle: I would like that but he doesn't pay any attention to me.

Fred: Who would be interested in you?

George: Fred, I'm warning you, one more outburst and I will send you to sit in the corner of a round room!

Fred: How many Mafia hit men does it take to change a light bulb?

George: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness. Now can we get on with the show?

Fred: Fine.

George: So Myrtle, what's the lucky fellow's name?

Myrtle: I told you, I don't know his name.

Fred: The annoying boy?

Myrtle: He's not annoying!

Fred: But you said-

George: Drop it Fred, you won't win.

Myrtle: _Sticks out tongue at Fred;_

George: Why don't you describe his physical features to us, maybe we could help you find out who he is, maybe set something up.

Myrtle: He's pale.

Fred: You said that already.

George: What colour is his hair?

Myrtle: White-

Fred: Dumbledore?

Myrtle: I know who Dumbledore is. I'm not stupid. It's almost white.

George: Blond?

Myrtle: Yes.

George: Pale and blond.

Fred: That could be anyone!

George: Annoying.

Twins: DRACO MALFOY!

Bodiless Voice From Above: Back off, he's mine!

Entire Cast and Crew: _Stare up at ceiling trying to find where bodiless voice came from;_

Bodiless Voice From Above: Ahem. Right. This is your author speaking; we have a deadline so let's move it! And that's an order!

George: You like Draco Malfoy?!

Fred: Are you out of your bloody mind!?! Do you even have a mind?!?

Myrtle: Why do you have to be rude? _Gets angry and flies off;_

George: Great. She's gone.

Fred: Presumably back to her toilet to pine for the Ferret.

George: Ew.

Fred: Shows almost over anyways.

George: Right, well then.

Fred: That's gross.

George: Maybe we could have him on the show.

Fred: Only if it's to torture him.

George: How about a match-making special?

Fred: Ew.

George: Not just for Myrtle and Mal-ferret. How about Ron and Hermione?

Fred: You and Luna?

George: You and Penelope?

Fred: _Turns red;_ fine.

George: Too bad Valentines Day was a while back.

Fred: I'm off to scrub my brain with bleach and a wire crush to get the image of Malfoy and Myrtle. _Skips off singing: _I got a barbeque stain on my white T-shirt; she was killing me in that mini-skirt…

George: Thanks and good night!

Announcer: You have been watching the Fred and George Variety Hour with hosts Fred and George Weasley. Stay tuned for the afternoon news only on The WC, The Witching Channel.

When reading this episode keep in mind Myrtles high-pitched voice. Let me know if it was too OOC. Hope you enjoyed it!

Some things I may have mentioned that I definitely don't own:

-Tool Time (from Home Improvement)

-In Da Club (50 Cent)

_-_McLovin (Superbad)

-McDreamy, McSteamy (Grey's Anatomy)

-McSundae (McDonalds?)

_-_Looney Tunes theme song

-Death Eaters Anonymous (which I did not come up with, it's from another fic that I can't remember right now)

-Girl I'm Gonna Get You (The Moffatts)

-Little Miss Sunshine

-Number One (Skye Sweetnam)

-Barbeque Stain (Tim McGraw)


	10. Episode 10, Guest: An Annoying Muggle

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported the show. I have a new episode for you. Its been a while so it may not be quite the same, but I really tried! I can't promise continuing shows anytime soon, this was just a spur of the moment thing that was half written way back when. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the thoughts in my head (which include, but are not limited to Tim! and the HP-obsessed audience!)

* * *

George: What's in a name?

Fred: Is that a trick question? Let me think, let me think. What's in a name? … Letters are in a name.

George: That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Fred: Huh?

George: Shakespeare?

Fred: Who?

George: Shakespeare!

Fred: Who's he?

George: Never mind, you're a hopeless cause.

Fred: Fine. Be that way. Just for that I'm not going to tell you that there's something between your teeth.

George: Except that you just did, ha! Wait, what!?! Tim, I need a mirror!

Tim: _Pulls a mirror out of his pocket and hands it to George;_

George: _Obsessively examines his teeth in the mirror;_

Fred: What else have you got in there, Tim?

Tim: A nine volt battery, my kitchen sink and an anchovy.

Fred: I hate anchovies.

Tim: I put them on my pizza.

Audience: _Collective gag noise;_

George: There isn't anything stuck between my teeth!

Fred: Welcome back to the conversation. Besides, that's what I said. If you listened you would have heard me when I told you "I'm NOT going to tell you that there's something

between your teeth."

George: Why I ought to-

Tim: get on with the show!

Fred: What a novel idea Tim! Come on Fred, help me in welcoming our audience!

George: I'm Fred.

Fred: Is that your final answer?

George: You know what I meant, you're Fred.

Fred: Same difference, are you going to help or not?

George: Welcome to yet another episode of The Fred and George Variety Hour!

Fred: We, surprisingly, have yet to be sued!

George: Why would someone want to sue us?

Fred: Not us, just you.

George: Me?

Fred: You.

George: Me?

Fred: Yes! You!

George: What did I ever do?

Fred: Oh, I don't know, threaten the audience?

George: But they were being evil!

Fred: Worshiping Harry Potter is evil? What ever happened to freedom of religion?

Audience: _Cheers; _

George: Harry Potter?

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: Shut up!

Fred: George!

George: What?

Fred: If you're not good I will make this The Fred Weasley Variety Hour.

George: You wouldn't!

Fred: I would!

Tim: Ahem!

Fred: Right, well that's our cue!

George: Yes, let's cut the monotony and bring out our special guest.

Fred: Marty the Annoying Muggle!

Audience: _Applauds while looking confused;_

George: Welcome Marty the Annoying Muggle!

Marty: Actually, its Marty the Muggle.

George: That's what I said.

Marty: No you said 'Marty the Annoying Muggle'.

George: No I didn't!

Fred (to Marty): He just said 'Marty the Muggle'.

Marty: I'm offended.

Fred: See that little brother, I told you he was annoying.

Marty: Hey!

George: Little brother? I'm older than you.

Fred: And you never let me forget it!

Marty: Um, excuse me?

Fred: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Marty: I thought I was the special guest here.

George: We have yet to figure out what is so special about you.

Tim: Wrap it up guys we're coming to a commercial break.

Marty: But we haven't had a chance to talk about me yet! Are you sure it has to be right now.

Tim, Fred & George: YES!

Tim: That's go to be the first time they have agreed on anything!

Commercial: I'm Stan and when my pet Crumple Horned Snorkack ruined my brand new white carpet I called Winky's House Elf Cleaning Service. They did an abysmal job and stumbled around my house drunkenly for days. I had to hire another company and pay extra for the vomit stains. Thanks Stan. I'm Winky of Winky's House Elf Cleaning Service and I approve this message.

Fred: What would Dobby say?

George: Dobby is most displeased; he must go torture himself now, either that or something about stalking Harry Potter.

Audience: _Cheers; _

Marty: So now its all about me?

Fred: Sure, why not. So why don't you tell us about how you got your name.

Marty: Well it all started off on a dark and stormy night in the deserts of Los Angeles. A woman named Martha was heading home from work to her husband and their 17 kids. She was unhappy and wanted to get away. She worked as a pineapple farmer and-

George: Let me interrupt you right there Marty, we don't need your life story. Tell us about your nickname 'the Muggle'.

Marty: Funny you should ask, I was just getting to that. So anyways, Martha was a pineapple farmer in Antartica.

Fred: Let me stop you there. I thought you said she was in Los Angeles.

Marty: No I definitely didn't.

George: I'm going to have to back my brother on that one.

Marty: No, I simply stated that it was a dark and stormy night in Los Angeles. Not necessarily stating that she was in Los Angeles. You just assumed.

Fred: And when you assume you make an ass out of you.

Marty: And me.

Fred: That's what I said. He definitely lives up to his name. What do you say we get rid of him folks?

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: That's got to be the first time they have cheered for something other than Harry Potter.

Audience: _Cheers;_

Fred: Great, here we go again.

George: You stupid people, stop cheering everytime I say his name.

Fred: Whose name?

George: Harry Potter's.

Audience: _Cheers;_

George: Argh!

Fred: I'm a great banana, swinging in a tree.

George: What?

Fred: I look like Fred. And Fred looks like me.

George: I am Fred.

Fred: I know, that's what I said.

George: I'm just kidding. I'm George.

Fred: Well obviously, I know I'm Fred, duh.

Tim: Wrap it up guys.

George: Already?

Fred: Yeah Tim, we haven't done a fun activity that then classifies the show as a 'variety hour'.

George: Because we most certainly aren't an hour long.

Tim: Come on guys, let's finish it up.

George: Fine. Calm down Tim.

Fred: Really man, just chill out dude.

George: Not even going to comment on your English slang.

Fred: My English is perfectly fine, allow me to demonstrate. Good night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.

George: How do you know Shakespeare?

Fred: You don't? Which turnip truck did you just fall from?

George: But you said-

Fred: Since when do you believe anything I say?

* * *

Much love guys, thanks for the support!


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